The tips quoted are from H.E.L.P. How to Enjoy Living with a Preadolescent and MORE H.E.L.P. These pamphlets are authored by Judith Baenen and published by the National Middle School Association.
The explosive preteen
They can be temperamental and unpredictable -- one wrong move
could set them off. Living with a preteen can sometimes feel like
walking through a minefield. How can you keep the peace and still make
sure that homework and chores get done? Here are 10 tips that can help.
- Think ahead.
- Break down big chores into small parts.
- Encourage your middle-schooler to keep a daily list.
- Don't hesitate to remind your middle schooler about appointments and due dates.
- Be willing to listen, but don't poke or pry.
- Be a friend.
- Help your child see that all friendships have ups and downs.
- When reprimanding, deal only with the precise problem. Don't bring in other issues.
- If the issue is minor, keep things light.
- Don't use power unless it's urgent.
1) Think ahead
One of our best tools as parents
is being prepared. As your son or daughter gets to the middle-school
years, get ready for at least occasional conflicts. Think through what's
truly important to you. Is your youngster's hairstyle as important as
homework? Isn't her curfew more of a concern than crabbiness? Obviously,
dawdling is a lot easier to accept than drugs. As these give-and-take
situations start, know ahead of time what areas you are and aren't
willing to negotiate.
2) Break down big chores into small parts.
Sometimes
young people feel overwhelmed by tasks, especially those they've let go
for a long time. A disastrous bedroom, twenty-three overdue math
assignments, a long-term project that's "suddenly" due in a few days (or
hours); such high-stress situations cause the preadolescent to give up
rather than get started.
Help your child by showing her how to set smaller
goals: Clean off your bed; get five assignments done tonight; assemble
the materials for the project. Preadolescents have trouble structuring
tasks so that they're more approachable. In an even and offhand way, you
can help them with this.
3) Encourage your middle-schooler to keep a daily list.
A
weekly list is too overwhelming. Each day he can put a few things on the
list that need to be done that day. You might have to assign a specific
time allotted to each task. When he has finished the task, your child
can draw a line through it to show accomplishment.
4) Don't hesitate to remind your middle-schooler about appointments and due dates.
Try
to think ahead about materials that she'll need for a project (unless
you look forward to late-evening visits to K-Mart). This won't last
forever. Remember that when she was learning to walk, you held her hands
and made the path smooth. Now she's learning to take on a tremendous
assortment of life-tasks and changes; she'll still need some
hand-holding for about a year or so as she gets started on the road to
being a responsible adult.
5) Be willing to listen, but don't poke or pry.
Kids
this age value independence and often seem secretive. Keeping to
themselves is part of the separateness they're trying to create. Let
your child know you'd love to help him, but don't push him into a
defensive position.
If your child is in the midst of a longtime
friendship that is falling apart, the best thing you can do is stand by
and be a good listener. It is devastating when parents see their
children hurting, but taking sides or intervening isn't appropriate, nor
will it help. Preadolescents do survive these hurts, especially if they
know you're there to listen to their pain.
6) Be a friend.
Friends are people who
accept us as we are. They listen, they don't needlessly criticize, they
back us up when we're right, and pick us up when we're down. Be a friend
to your middle schooler; some days your kids may feel like you're the
only one they have.
7) Help your child see that all friendships have ups and downs.
Children
need to learn that being "best friends" isn't always smooth sailing.
People have differences of opinion and even get angry, but they still
care for each other. This is what's going on when we get involved in
those "I-hate-her-she's-so-stuck-up-and-how-could-she-do-this-to-me"
conversations. As parents, we must help our kids see that one problem
doesn't ruin a relationship, but stubbornness might. Middle-school
friends have a lot of spats and falling outs that often mend in a short
time.
8) When reprimanding, deal only with the precise problem. Don't bring in other issues.
"The
trash is still here, and I want it out, now," is always better than,
"You are so lazy! I told you to take that trash out two hours ago and
it's still here! You'd live in a pigsty, wouldn't you? Well, you aren't
the only one in this house, you know..."
9) If the issue is minor, keep things light.
The
shoes on the floor, the wet towel on the bed, the milk carton left out
-- these annoyances are maddening, perhaps, but not earth-shattering.
Call attention to them in a humorous way so that your middle-schooler
knows you want action, but that you're not being punitive: "Either the
cat's smarter than I thought, or you left it on the counter. One of you
please put it back before it spoils."
10) Don't use power unless it's urgent.
Parents
have the ultimate power, and kids know it. We don't have to "prove" it
to them at every turn. Save your strength for those really important
issues you've decided are non-negotiable. Eventually kids are going to
possess power of their own, and we want them to be able to use it
wisely.